LIFE IS A CATWALK

I want to fly, now na!

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 07:38:09 GMT

I want to be better. Not the unbreak-my-heart sort of better, but I mean better in all aspects. I guess I just want to feel good about myself, but it's quite hard to even pretend about being better. I'm ugly, jobless, loveless, and all I have before me is nothing but time I don't know what else to do with. Haaay, I hate having my life put on stall. Sana APRIL 2010 na, then I'd know what to do with my life.

Weddings and Other BS

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 17:06:54 GMT

I spent my whole day at the Wedding Expo watching a few hundreds of hand-holding couples bond over marriage expenses. For everyone's information, I work for a company involved in the food-slash-events industry where weddings ride on high horses because they bring in a lot of sales. Indeed, this wedding business is a lucrative business.

I've always wanted to become part of such an industry. When I was young, I used to dream about bonding with excited brides over gowns to wear, motifs to pick, photos to shoot, food to taste, their grooms to marry... I was naive, hopeless romantic, and stupid. Back then, I thought weddings were all about love and cloud nine - yeah, romance gave me that blur in my vision. Add to that the level of maturity I had during my glorious teenage years and I was just as good as blind.

Now that I'm actually here, I feel totally misled. Weddings aren't, most of the time, about two people in love - it's about budgeting and costing and responsibilities. It's a tradition, a must, and in the end, it's an effin' business. Sure they feed each other chocolate mousse while you're computing their package, but not all clients are as in love as I pictured them in my mind while daydreaming in class about my future. There are brides from hell, there are grooms from the hell of hell, and sometimes the parents or the coordinator crucify you. They even turn your cross upside down. And then there are times that you almost can't help yourself from asking, "Are you SURE you want to marry her? Are you SURE he is the one? Really?" But you end up biting your lip because you don't want to lose your client. In the end, you just wish them a stress-free wedding, a happy marriage, and a bouncing baby boy.

I wanted so badly to be where I am now, but sometimes, whenever we get what we want, they don't turn out to be the exact thing that we need. Sure the wedding industry is great to be in, but not when you're nursing a broken heart. How can you nurse it when couples you talk to make out in front of you during a presentation? It's a really good thing there are other places in this world I wanna go to... and wherever I find myself, I really hope that there would be less people in love in that place. At least in the romantic sense. Where I'll find myself, there I want to meet people who are in love with the world and its miseries so much that they'd give all their love to the world who needs it. The world never asked for it, but I'm sure it needs love. And at least this sort of romance would not require swiping your credit card.

sadismaia vs. supermaia to all the playing small and the really small people

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 11:38:01 GMT

WARNING: EGOTISTIC* ENTRY
*Egotistic: adj. characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance; characteristic of false pride

Take one: I like making people suffer just by being present in their lives, so no, I'm not going anywhere.
Take two: I like making people happy just by being present in their lives, so no, I'm not going anywhere.

You see, just like everyone else, I'm a bit of both saint and bitch - and you can have whichever part of me you like depending on how you treat me. To be honest, I would like it better if we get on good terms, because at least that would be a win-win situation for both of us. If you prefer to get on my nerves though, that would be quite a bummer, because then, it would be a win-lose situation. Of course, I'll always be on the winning side... and you'll always be the loser. Know why? Because you say the word loser so much, it just stuck on you. (Oh honey, don't worry, it suits you.) Meanwhile, I'll always be the winner. Know why? Because I have everything I'll ever need. I hold in my heart happiness, love, opinion. I am so worth the world. And you? You don't have my brains, my youth, my strength, my willpower - and despite my bragging on this entry, you don't have my humility, my happiness and my heart. You do not have my God. I'll go way farther than you've ever reached. You're stuck, stuck, stuck. You're holding on to it so desperately because it's your only bread and butter, while all the things I have are things I'll never ever lose. Here's something I learned from Marianne Williamson: I am a Child of God. My playing small does not serve the world. So FYI, I'll keep doing the things I love doing for the people I love and for myself. If you've got a problem with it, then deal with it.

Note: This is what happens when people try to cure girls with inferiority complex (like me) during their youth. Hahaha.

A schizophrenic blog entry about the start of my work life.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 21:45:58 GMT

So far, work has been, for me, a roller coaster ride. But then again, everything is a roller coaster ride, right? Life is a roller coaster ride. Love is a roller coaster ride. Whatchamacallit is a roller coaster ride. Yada, yada, yada.

But.

Since love has been non-existent for a while in my life (at least the romantic type), and life has always been, well, uneventful, WORK has been the only thing in my mind lately. And so I've noticed that even though my three circles (see Jim Collins' Good to Great) pointed me to this sort of job (I'm an Account Executive), I'm still not, errr, used to the ride. All the ups and downs are making me crazy. It's like being on a roller coaster, literally speaking, and not being able to scream. And the scary fact is that in this sort of ride, there are no safety nets, and one small mistake can ruin your whole career life, or worse, bring the whole company down *sign of the cross, knock on wood*.

Hmmm. OK. So that's a little exaggerated but it's just the way I feel. And I'm going to blame it on the obvious reason that I've only been in this position for two weeks, and while I'm trying to settle myself down, all those annoying is-this-what-i-really-want-to-do and can-I-really-do-this doubts are settling in as well. They say it's a very common thing to feel for fresh graduates.

Fortunately this noob thinks that it's too early to give up. That's right. I haven't proved anything yet, to anyone else or to my self. And I also believe that just like in relationships, people should only give up when they have already given their best, and when it doesn't really work after all efforts, that's the time to say buh-bye, adieu, arrivederci. If that time ever comes for me, at least I'll know I did my best, and regrets will have no place to settle anywhere in my mangled piece of brain. (Segue: Ahem, parang love life lang talaga pala ang career life. If I let career take over my love life, I just might end up being an old maid. Should I let that happen? As long as you end up rich, Maia.)

So yeah, even if lately work's been all downs and no ups (today, especially, was rough), I'm gonna raise my pompoms and cheer for myself ('cause no one's gonna do it for you, Maia): Bring it on! Let's give this career life a kick start. Every moment is a moment of choice. If it can't be perfect, just make it better, ALL THE TIME, until you perfect it. Aja Aja, Aiyaaa! *Karate Kick*

~~Besides, if things don't go well... it's just for FIVE MONTHS anyway. =P Hahaha.~~

060509

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 02:03:07 GMT

I went to ANC’s Leadership Forum Part 2 today. I wasn’t able to get inside the UP School of Economics Auditorium but I was in front of the big Samsung LCD screen they set outside. It was sort of disappointing, not the event but the guests’ answers to the questions, but I was definitely entertained.

The opening of the forum was a surprise: It was Ping with an 8-minute speech informing us of his withdrawal from the 2010 elections, to think it’s not even time yet for formal declarations. I still would have liked it better if he was there, just so I could hear him speak about his plans for the country or his thoughts on current events. As for guests who were there, Erap Estrada was a joke. Bayani Fernando amused and annoyed me at the same time. Jejomar Binay fared better than the first two, but his ideas were pretty simplistic (note: not simple, but simplistic!). And Loren Legarda was- well, Loren. Her answers were well-thought and she delivered them in a very intelligent manner. She was undoubtedly the winner tonight.

The questions were more difficult compared to the May 11 batch, but the atmosphere tonight was light and less serious. Bayani’s standard line was “samin sa Marikina”, Erap’s line was “during my term/under my administration”, Binay’s was “doon sa Makati”, and Legarda… well, she had a lot to say so I never got any recurring phrases from her.

I will never forget Binay’s “piggeries”, or Bayani’s “above the law”, or Erap’s “joking/kidding aside” and “kukunin ko yung time ni Sen. Lacson”. Again, I didn’t get any lines from Loren. She was serious all through-out the show, and she made a lot of sense. But you know, humans tend to remember mistakes more than those that make sense. Haha. Not that it’s bad for Loren. That only means she’s still one of my options. And as for the other three, well… There’s still some time left to get ready before May 2010, and it’s not even campaign period yet. Goodluck to all of them! And same goes to those who were at the first forum, and even to Noli and Villar who both declined ANC’s invitations. May the most deserving person win. :)

Going on to less serious matters and more random stuff, did Loren get a Botox or something? Her face looked sort of stiff and stretched. Haha. Binay passed by in front of me too. I could almost hug his legs. And Patricia Evangelista minus the nose was beautiful, and her DSLR was even more beautiful. Bahhh, her camera’s lens makes me jealous. Anyway, I went to the forum with Kim. I asked him if I could go with him+co because I didn’t want to be a loner and I really wanted to watch it because we had no cable at home. At UPSE, we saw Roselyn, Ryan and Ate Jenna. After the forum Kim and I ate our very late dinner at McDo where we talked about gay matters. Haha.

So yeah, despite the rain, my activities today made me happy. Not entirely blissful, but at least I was entertained for the day. It kept my depression at bay. I’m also feeling really better compared to what I’ve been feeling since the start of the week. Sadly though, some things still manage to creep in my mind and fill me with anxiety. I learned that Mikhail is in UPD now but I’m not in UPD anymore so that’s sad. And then my jogging activity with my best friend didn’t push through. And then I never got to clean my closet, which means I won’t drink coffee tomorrow (I’ve been religiously drinking coffee every morning as a sort-of diet ritual) as a consequence for not accomplishing my clean-closet task. And then I heard someone’s name. And then I read it too. And then it’s past 12 midnight already so it’s another day again, which means that when I wake up, I’ll have to make another effort to put meaning back into my life.

And then, there’s this one other thing. I’m not sure if this is a bad thing or a good thing, and I might just be being ridiculously symbolic about this, and I’m not even sure yet if it’s true but- I think I’m growing my wisdom tooth. Just when I threw feelings that weren’t useful anymore. Just when I decided to make something out of my messy life. Just when I wanted to be better. Just in time.

Thoughts of the loneliest person in the world

Mon, 18 May 2009 06:45:47 GMT

My sadness is perhaps the heaviest emptiness there is, and I can feel it consume my body down to every hidden mole. I want to rip myself to pieces, but if I ever come to the end of it, I know that there is nothing in my depths to find. Not a drip of blood, not an inch of skin, not a second of memory. There is nothing within me. I know because... I just gave my all to you. And when you took them, when you took all I had to carry, you gave me weight that will not compare to any labor known to the world even though you already got me empty. You tired me out before I could even pull my hand to save myself. You gave me something which did not exist and it consumed me. And how could something that never existed be so heavy? And how could something be some thing if it did not exist? Or perhaps, it is all in my mind again. Perhaps, you are in my mind again, and you are a heavy thing. But you do not exist. And I am still empty. And I am still the loneliest person in the world.

Repetitive Endings

Thu, 14 May 2009 13:06:42 GMT

Here I am again, declaring another end to something which never even began. Or to something which ended a long time ago, but has still been going on in my mind. We go through this every time, or at least, every four months or so- I have almost gotten used to saying that I won't be in your life anymore, something which never happens, because I am always in your life, or rather, you are always in mine. It's an annoying cycle I wish we'd one day break free from. It's a frustrating habit, and you're an exhausting vice. I really wish I'd stop taking you in, because I can really breathe better without you in my life. You suffocate me... and yet, I still want you, I've always wanted you. I've never wanted anyone but you.

Story Attempt In Years

Thu, 14 May 2009 12:48:56 GMT

The last image I have of him was fleeting. One of those short memories that nevertheless never rusts and still gets stuck in a small part of our brain, no matter how insignificant. He was leaning on a pole near the waiting shed, the dim light of the lamp post shining on half of his face. He was waiting for my FX to go, and as I looked out the window, I saw him raise his hand. I raised mine too. Goodbye, our actions said.

I kept my eyes on his face which obviously said: this was the last, and so I wanted to keep that memory so much - to never forget - because I knew it was the only thing I have of him left. It was the only thing he'll ever give me back. But then I saw him turn away as the vehicle I was in moved past the traffic, and I saw very clearly that there it was again- the repetitive endings we always share, the endings that make me want more of him, more moments with him, more memories as much as my brain can store.

But these endings always come so fast. One moment, a lamp post would be shining on a man's face, and the next, there would be nothing but scattered light on asphalt. And all that's left, in the end, is one person clinging to a memory, in danger of being forgotten by another. All that's left is me, on a moving vehicle slowed down by traffic, in the same way that a heart moving on is slowed down by images of a man leaning on a pole, and a dim light from a lamp post shining on half of his face.

My job-hunting so far...

Thu, 14 May 2009 12:48:30 GMT

I clearly remember telling my sophomore self that I would never ever apply for a call center post. But look at me now! My job offer from Rainmaker Asia will be next week! Telus also called just a while ago to inform me that I could start work already, but of course, I unfortunately had to decline. :(

I first applied at JP Morgan a few months back, but I got intimidated by the interviewer, flunked my interview, and didn't get in. :( After that somewhat traumatic ego-crushing incident I told myself that maybe a call center wasn't the right place for me, but due to my very persuasive best friends, I applied at Telus two weeks ago. Telus at Market! Market! was a very fancy place, and everyone and everything about the place shouted high class. The application process was difficult. The initial interview was a panel interview of applicants, and from ten applicants, we were instantly brought down to the small number of three. From the three applicants who took the diagnostic exams, only two of us made it through (btw, I got 100% accuracy and 42 wpm :P), and then, the HR final interview came, and then the operations interview. Note that all of this happened on the same day. I walked in at Telus around 1 pm. The initial interview started at 5:30 pm, and my last interview was scheduled at 2 in the fucking am! What was worse was that I when I got home around 2:30 in the morning I realized I was still wearing the Telus guest ID and left my school ID at the place. I had to get it back two days after. From what I know, once you get to the ops interview, it's final that you've passed the entire application process. However, Telus told me to wait for their call for about a week until they've cleared everything. I would've loved to work at Telus even though the place was so far away from my home, but the call they made today to ask if I were still interested in the account they endorsed me to was about two hours late. Two hours before, I already said yes to Rainmaker Asia.

If it weren't for my best friend (again) I wouldn't apply at Rainmaker. I went there just this Tuesday, and right on the same day, I got the results. Rainmaker doesn't look as fancy as Telus but the people seem more friendly and approachable. It is also undoubtedly nearer to my home, and more accessible compared to Telus. Their application process was different too. I walked in at 12:00 noon but I was told that the exam for applicants was to start at 1pm. It was an IQ exam, inclusive of spelling, synonyms and antonyms, numerical computation, spatial ability and data checking. It was different from the exam my best friend took when she applied with her boyfriend. Theirs only included grammar and reading. After this, 4 of us out of 7 applicants proceeded to the initial interview. I don't know what happened to the rest but I took the Technical Exam right after the interview alone. The exam was about basic computer knowledge but I almost thought I didn't pass because I didn't know some of the answers. After a few minutes I was told to my relief that I passed it. However, they set my ops interview at 9:30pm. I hung around the area for a while, stayed at McDonald's for two hours, went up to the canteen and watched the news, and when I got bored I went up the 8th floor, an hour early for my interview. At the end of the interview I was congratulated by the ops manager and was later informed as to how I would accomplish my pre-employment requirements. So for the past two days, that was what I've been busy about (exclusive of gradcomm matters), and that was also why I couldn't take Telus' offer anymore.

I honestly feel a bit ashamed that I won't be entering the industry I've majored in for the past four years. It hurts to feel like I'm just going with the flow, getting a job at a call center all because the rest are doing it, and because it's a well-paying job. The idea doesn't really fit well into Jim Collins' Three Circles. But I'm really praying that the job would somehow be personally-fulfilling even though I have no idea what goes on in a call center. All I'm thinking about right now in order to motivate myself is that I need to earn money in order to study law. and I MUST STUDY LAW. Even if I have to become nocturnal.

T in True Love Stands for Tragedy.

Thu, 14 May 2009 12:47:58 GMT

The concept is absurd. The idea that we can only be complete with another person is evil! Right? ~ Celine, Before Sunset

Ang sabi sa nobelang Para Kay B ng batikang screenwriter na si Ricky Lee, ang nakakatuluyan lamang natin para sa ating mga pang-habang buhay na relasyon ay ang ating "correct love". Hindi raw natin nakakatuluyan ang one great love natin.

Sabagay. Kaya siguro ito tinawag na one "great" love kasi ito yung tipo ng pag-ibig na never mong maaabot sa tanang buhay mo. O kung mahawakan mo man sa mga kamay mo, panandalian lamang ito - sandaling-sandali, dahil gaano man kahaba ang panahong hawak mo ito ay kukulangin ka pa rin. Para kang hinaplos sandali ng isang anghel, at pagkatapos, hindi mo na muling mararanasan ang ganoong uri ng haplos mula sa kahit na sino. One time, big time. Walang second chance. Hawakan ka man ng libo-libong tao, haplusin ka man ng libo-libong beses, ang haplos ng anghel pa rin ang hahanap-hanapin mo. Pero kahit kailan hindi mo na ito muling mararamdaman pa. Lumipas na ito. Kaya kung may nickname man ang tunay na pag-ibig, Bitin ang pangalan nito, at kay Bitin, walang happy ending.

T in True Love stands for tragedy. Alam ito ni Shakespeare kaya pareho niyang pinatay si Romeo at si Juliet. Ito rin marahil ang dahilan kung bakit pinaghiwalay ng kamatayan si Jack at si Rose. Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit malungkot ang maraming tao ngayon. Kung bakit more than 50% of marriages end up in divorce, kung bakit may nangangaliwa at pumapayag maging kalaguyo, at kung bakit maraming mga bata ang lumalaking rebelde't walang ama o ina, o di kaya'y may kapatid pala sa labas. Oo, kasalanan ng pag-ibig kung bakit suicidal ang best friend mo, kung bakit yumayaman ang mga shrinks, at kung bakit sumikat at patok na patok ang Marimar at Rosalinda sa masa.

Indeed, torture ang hatid ng True Love. Ngunit, to make matters worse, pinaniwala ang mga tao na pag-ibig pa rin ang tagapagligtas nila mula sa problema sa pamilya, sa pag-aaral, sa pera, sa mga bisyo, pag-ibig ang tagapagligtas mula sa kanilang mga sarili. Ngunit dahil ang ganitong uri ng pag-ibig ay nauuwi sa isang malaking trahedya lamang, napuputol, nawawala, lumilipad palayo, nabubuhay ang mga taong iniisip na babalik ito, o kung hindi man, ay mapapalitan ng isang panibagong Great Love. Pero walang bumabalik, at walang second chance. Walang One Great Love part two, duh. Sa kakahintay at sa kakahanap, at sa pagpipilitan ng mga tao na maranasan at makasama ang kanilang One Great Love, patuloy na pinahihirapan nila ang kanilang mga sarili.

Sa kanilang pagsuko, kinokontento nila ang kanilang mga sarili sa kanilang "correct" love, ang tamang pag-ibig na walang labis kapag magmahal, the love that's good for you, even if it's mediocre. And that elusive One Great Love remains nothing but a fairy tale that can never ever come true.

Bachelor

Thu, 14 May 2009 12:46:51 GMT

I always said that there is a very significant difference between giving up on someone, giving up on being with anyone, and giving up on love altogether. I know I’m a bit too young to choose which situation I prefer, and I also know that it’s a bit too early for me to give up on anything, or anyone for that matter. Sometimes though waiting exhausts patience, and when patience is gone, hope also fades. And when you’re left standing alone with nothing but your thoughts – waiting – the slow ticking of the clock becomes a little more difficult to bear. Breathing itself becomes a difficulty, all on its own. But still you wait. You sleep. You wake. You eat. You kiss your kids goodbye and go to work. You try to please your boss and try not to cheat on your wife. You try to make a living and you try to live. And all this time you wait. Because there really is nothing much you can do.

You might not know it, but I'm pretty sure it was you and your work, however imperfect they are, among other factors, that made me want to write and discover the writer in me.
~ from a friend; to my own inspiration

white oleander, janet fitch

Thu, 14 May 2009 12:46:05 GMT

SOMETHING FOR THE GRADUATES OF BATCH 2009. I HAVE HIGHER, BETTER HOPES FOR US THAN THIS.

A future wasn't something I could forge by myself out of all these broken pieces I had, like Siegfried's sword in the old story. The future was a white fog into which I would vanish, unmarked by the flourish of rustling taffeta blue and gold. No mother to guide me.

I imagined the lies the valedictorian was telling them right now. About the exciting future ahead. I wish she'd tell them the truth: Half of you have gone as far in life as you're ever going to. Look around. It's all downhill from here. The rest of us will go a bit further, a steady job, a trip to Hawaii, or a move to Phoenix, Arizona, but out of fifteen hundred how many will do anything truly worthwhile, write a play, paint a painting that will hang in a gallery, find a cure for herpes? Two of us, maybe three? And how many will find true love? About the same. And enlightenment? Maybe one. The rest of us will make compromises, find excuses, someone or something to blame, and hold that over our hearts like a pendant on a chain.

Mga Rason Kung Bakit Sunflowers ang Paborito Kong Bulaklak

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 04:51:28 GMT

Kasi lagi silang masaya, kulay yellow kasi sila eh... Tingnan mo lang sila, parang sasaya ka na din. Parang nawawala na rin lahat ng problema mo.

At sobra nilang mahal ang araw dahil kahit gaano man ito kalayo, doon lang sila lagi nakatingin. Hindi sila tumitingin sa iba, ganoon sila ka-loyal at ka-faithful sa araw.

At kapag wala naman ang araw, doon lang sila nagiging malungkot. Nakatingin sa ibaba na para bang umiiyak sila dahil nawalan sila ng minamahal.

Kung mamamatay man ako, sana maging sunflower na lang ako. Para kahit malayo ang araw sakin, kakayanin ko. Pwedeng maging malungkot ako sa gabi, pero pagdating naman ng umaga, alam kong babalik siya, sisikat kahit na malayo siya... at magiging masaya akong muli.

PS

Ang tagal naman ng sunflowers sa university avenue.

Vote Yvonne for AIT SC Councilor! (copied from Almira)

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 08:09:32 GMT

      Vote YVONNE for AIT SC Councilor!

                Vote Kristina Yvonne YVONNE YVONNE Palaganas for AIT SC Councilor!

Kristina Yvonne YVONNE YVONNE Palaganas ang ating AIT SC Councilor!

                                                 YVONNE Palaganas ang ating AIT SC Councilor!

                          Wag kalimutan sa darating na eleksyon, isulat sa balota:

                                       YVONNE Palaganas for AIT SC Councilor

            Vote YVONNE for AIT SC Councilor!

Bagong Segment: Maia La Fea

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 04:41:27 GMT

Mga usapan habang nasa TMS tambayan, isang sulok sa AIT kung saan may mga nakatirang mapanglait na mga evil spirits.

Alvin: Maia, may text ako para sayo. Text para sa mga haggard... (Implication: Mukhang haggard ako. Stressed. Losyang. Which is true. Hahaha.)

Brynn: Si Maia panalo na sa "Feeling Wow Feeling Wow" award. (Implication: Feeling maganda lang ako. Awts.)

Rayka: Pa-chemical peel ka, dear... Merong mura, sa Guadalupe. (Implication: Pimply na pulubi pa. Lols.)

Uhm... Okay. Ang bait ng friends ko, they are so concerned about me. XD Hahaha. Pero teka, wait, grumaduate lang ako at yumaman, magpapaganda din ako! Itaga niyo yan sa bato! Hahaha.

25 Random Things About Me

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:55:19 GMT

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person (people) who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

I won't tag. It's free for everyone. :)
--

Random Fact #1: I feel excited for Valentine's Day even if I'm single! It's just a date, I know, but the atmosphere still feels different. Besides, I have a field trip on that day, yey!

Random Fact #2: I am not as obsessive compulsive as my friends think I am. I just don't like clutter and dog ears on my books and notebooks. I'm more of a category and label freak ie I put pencils with pencils, and red blouses with the rest of my red blouses. I also do not like diagonal lines. I like to arrange my stuff in either horizontal or vertical arrangement.

Random Fact #3: I used to suck my thumb - A LOT! Even when I was still in high school and early college years I'd still wake up with my thumb in my mouth without knowing that I'd been sucking it. Hahaha. At least I wasn't doing it deliberately! Thank God I'm past that stage!

Random Fact #4: I cannot sleep without a bear to hug. For the past year I was so used to having a big bear to hug, but when I sent Tiny Bear to the province, I couldn't sleep well. So I made my dad buy me one for Christmas last year... and now I have Popoy bear!

Random fact #5: I am not smart. I was never, not once, in my entire life, able to memorize the multiplication table. I'm bad at geography too. I'm actually bad at remembering general information, and that's why I can never join a quiz show. :(

Random fact #6: ...But I am enthusiastic and motivated, self-driven and competitive. I study for a while, and then I forget the things I learn. I do not mean to, my brain's capacity is just low. But, my spirit soars. And I go wheee! I've come a long way from the "happy" but closet pessimistic+insecure+depre

ssed high schooler that I was.

Random fact #7: I say *meow* a lot. MEEOOWWW! I don't do it because I think it's cute, I just can't help it!

Random fact #8: If I were an animal, I'd probably be a domestic cat. I'm sweet and all, but I can scratch your face at any minute. Hahaha. I'm a pretty nice person most of the time, but I'm a big bitch. Haha.

Random fact #9: I'm not as hopeless romantic as I used to be when I was young. I haven't become a bitter cynic, but... err. If being mature means being real, then I suppose I've grown a little bit. I've given up on the"ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love" that Carrie Bradshaw believed in so much. Instead of romantic love, I appreciate other types of love more now, such as love for myself! Hahaha. Also, love for country, love for other people, love for work. :)

Random fact #10: I don't like catfights with other girls. In fact I don't like fighting with anyone I KNOW at all. But sometimes, when it's a stranger who happened to do something really annoying, I can be such a war-freak.

Random fact #11: I hate sell outs! ie this is why I did NOT consider taking up nursing, which almost everybody took up hahahaha. And when I like a song, I don't like sharing it with people. The less people who know about it, the more beautiful the song is for me. That's why I vote for indie, and that's why I hate Twilight for using Iron and Wine for their soundtrack!!! I know, I'm probably the most selfish person in the world.

Random fact #12: People think I'm a cam whore but the truth is I just have a penchant for documenting things in my life. Like I said before, my neurons don't function very well and I'm really bad at remembering things, so I take pictures of everything during an event! The food, the people, the place... and well, my face. Hahaha!

Random fact #13: I do not believe in religion. But I read the Bible (Di niyo alam yun noh! I forget sometimes, well most...of the time now... though.) and I strongly believe in the existence of God, no matter what others reason out.

Random fact #14: I may not be a romantic now, but I also strongly believe in love. Because God is love. The world may be in chaos but as long as a tiny bit of love and empathy exists between people, I think there will always be hope. And I'm not just talking about romantic love!

Random fact #15: I wish I had more finesse. I'm so clumsy, and I'm far from ladylike.

Random fact #16: I'm not good at speaking in English! I can write well enough using English, but I need more practice if I want to use English in normal conversations.

Random fact #17: I would die without the internet. I swear! And I love my web pages and websites! I love Maki my pet in Pet Society. It's my only vice.

Random fact #18: I'm too chicken to take up law after my graduation. Besides, my family plans on moving to Australia so I won't be needing Philippine law there. I think I'll take up a Master's Degree on International Studies or Foreign Service. And I want to work at UN! I considered event management but it's just so personal, and err... capitalistic?

Random fact #19: I actually know housework. People think I don't and it annoys me when they make me feel I don't do anything at home aside from use the pc. The problem is I can't get around to doing them all because I'm so busy with school, and when I clean, or cook, or whatever, I like doing them by myself, without any help. But they won't let me! My aunt, or my mom, always has to stand behind me and tell me what to do, and well... I don't like being told what to do.

Random fact #20: I write everything on my planner, even chores I've done already for the day, just to make me feel more... accomplished.

Random fact #21: I tell everyone I want to go to disco bars and have fun, and I do, even though I seldom do it. But the truth is: disco bars depress me. I have this weird idea that they are just establishments capitalizing on people's sins and vices, and that the people only come together to hide how empty they actually all are, or to share their loneliness. Haha. I don't think it's totally true, I just think weird like that.

Random fact #22: I'm not proud that I'm from UP, but I'm not ashamed of it either. I think school squabbles that go on even after the competition is over are petty. In the end it all boils down to the individual anyway. So maybe you're proud you're from UP, is UP proud of you? Hahaha. I'm not totally smart or pretty enough for UP to be proud of me. I think.

Random fact #23: I swear I'll do what it takes to give my parents a good life. They deserve it so much! If I have to slave away I would.

Random fact #24: I don't like anyone right now. No crush, no love life. Plenty of social life. I don't care so much now though if I live to be an old lady someday. As long as I'm with my parents and brother I suppose I could live with that. But I want to have children so badly... someday.

Random fact #25: I should be making my pedigree now. Hahaha. I love my majors but I hate my biology and chemistry classes! I procrastinate a lot and I hate that too. And I'm going to stop typing and will study N O W.

So the funniest thing happened to me today.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:26:46 GMT

Today, I rushed myself alone to the emergency room for the second time around all because I was being an accident prone area, as usual. I'm not really sure about what happened. All I know is that I was daydreaming and listening to my ipod while walking briskly so I would be early for my exam when suddenly, a f*cking barbecue stick from out of nowhere was protruding out of my left foot.

Hahahahahahahaha times ten to the nth power. Imagine that, about one fifth of a barbecue stick under my skin, protruding out of my foot on a 95 degree angle?! It was so funny! But before I could laugh at myself, I immediately took the stick out, went back home, put alcohol on the wound, took a cab, answered my very easy (to fail) physics exam, passed my nuclear energy paper, went to my natural science 2 class and then to the university infirmary. It suddenly stopped being funny when the nurses there told me I had to take three vaccine injections for tetanus. And yes, I took all of them with nothing but my dear phone to hold for comfort.

Sad thing was I tried texting some people about what happened but they wouldn't believe me. T___T In all my four years of living in the Metro I have never been attacked by a robber or a thief or any budol-budol gang, and yes, I'm thankful for that. It just never occurred to me that one thing that could harm me would be some random piece of wood.

And for that, no to barbecue sticks! SAVE THE TREES!

THAT YES OR NO BULLSHIT. (Dahil ako'y mangmang na walang alam, bow.)

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 15:21:41 GMT

So people have taken a stand already. Some are saying YES to the CRSRS. Some are saying NO to the CRSRS. HURRAY referendum. BOO referendum. Eh ako kaya? Yes or no? Is it really that simple? Y or N nga lang ba? Ganun lang nga ba talaga kasimple ang lahat? Personally, I believe there's more to that issue than those two simplified choices, and for that I would rather remain apathetic and ignorant. I don't know and I don't care.

For problems like this, bonggang bonggang discussions ang kailangan. However, the authorities thought that most people wouldn't participate in such discussions, that it's such a huge topic they opted to simplify it to Y or N. So ano yun? Gusto yata nilang manatiling mangmang ang mga tao, kaya okay, mangmang ako. Whee.

So siyempre inaway na ako ng mga kaibigan kong tibak, di ba? Burgis daw ako. Wala daw akong pakialam. Sabi pa sakin 'ganyan din ako until..' Eh kebs ko nga talaga! Dati na rin akong pseudo-tibak noon pero natauhan din ako. Sana kayo din. I hope you realize that some people only think they know better when in fact they don't. (And yes, you're turning out to be one of them.) And sorry, I refuse to be manipulated by such persons. Damn parties.

Personally I don't think may karapatan akong mag-desisyon sa kahit ano, so I'm not voting dahil kahit pilitin kong alamin ang mga bagay-bagay, malabo pa rin dahil hindi lang naman YES or NO ang sagot. Malabo, malabo, especially if SOME people will keep twisting some truths (It only said good standing not high grades. And yes, I do think it's an SR requirement!) Apart from that, ayokong maki-sali sa mga self-righteous na tao, na feeling may care sa mundo pero sa totoo, pansariling interes lang naman nila ang iniisip nila. Anti-TOFI ka? Pwede ba, pumasok ka na lang muna sa klase mo at mag-aral ka ng mabuti?! Wag ka na munag mag-rally. The YES only vote YES because it will benefit them, and the NO vote NO because it will benefit them as well. So when in the end it all boils down to self-interest, pansariling interes ko na lang din ang iisipin ko. Pipilitin ko na lang na mag-aral ng mabuti para sa mga magulang ko. Yun na lang. At opo, ganun ako ka-close-minded, ka-fickle-minded at shallow.

I would admit though, meron akong "no-tendency", but then if I vote no, the no people will benefit from my vote, so I think I'd really rather not vote at all. Magbi-break dance na lang ako wheee. I'll leave it to people who "care" about those problems. Pero sana, if you give a damn about the Y or N bullshit, I hope you also realize that the world has worse problems than that. I'd rather fucking help find the cure to AIDS, syphillis, gonorrhea or whatever (oops, mali yata yung paglagay ng effin word sa sentence na 'to). I'd rather help fight poverty, or global warming, or idk, inferiority complex.

The thing is, this Y or N issue will never be resolved, because in UP, we all have our sides, and we fight for it to the death. If one side wins, the other will whine. It's a never-ending battle between people who have brains. I'm just sick and tired of it. And since I'm not taking any sides, I therefore conclude that I have no brain. Goodluck na lang sa mga matatapang, matatalino.

*shet sana walang umaway sakin. sa plurk madaming nang-away. hahaha*

Last night, I dreamt of three separate men.

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 12:57:38 GMT

Last night, I dreamt of three separate men. One of them, someone from five years ago who I don't communicate with anymore, was chasing me. It's actually a little bit embarassing to post the interpretations I got this time at dreammoods.com, because now you'd know what I dreamt about. I don't really believe in all these interpretations, just so you'd know. It's just a little fun to find out what dreams could mean. So, uhm, yeah I dreamt of... scary things.

To dream about sex, refers to the psychological completion and the integration of contrasting aspects of the Self. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character. Alternatively and a more direct interpretation of the dream, may be your libido's way of telling you that it's been too long since you have had sex.�It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love.

To dream that you are having sex with an ex or something that is not your current mate, denotes your reservations about embarking in a new relationship or situation. You may feel nervous about exposing yourself or currently feel a resurgence of those old emotions and feelings that you felt back when you and your ex were together.

To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity.

Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it.�Ask yourself who is the one chasing you and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.�

It's hurts, Armando!

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:48:13 GMT

Yeeesh, it hurts me to see John Lloyd Cruz in pain, even if he's in character.
Aiyeeeeee!!! XD My longest-running showbiz crush mula pa noong high school.
I ♥♥♥ you, Lloydie!!! Hahaha!

Love after Love, Derek Walcott

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 06:15:06 GMT

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

~ I discovered this poem upon reading it on one of the first few pages of my favorite book, The Time Traveler's Wife. At first it just made me feel all warm inside, but it was only recently when I discovered what it really meant. It's a poem that goes out to all the people out there who lost themselves because of loving someone so much. It's a reminder that we should never forget who we are when we give our hearts to others; that when our love and relationships with other people break, after pain and pain and pain and the struggle to find ourselves and collect the broken pieces, we can always come home to ourselves and find that the answer to our loneliness has always been inside us.

It's just like what Carrie Bradshaw said, "the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves". Last month, many of my friends fell into an unfortunate circumstance which had also befallen me a few months ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to help here at all. I just want to let you all know how I learned to mend my heart: it was the realization that I am perfectly beautiful, the way I was made, and that nothing is wrong with me. All the self doubt and guilt was unreasonable and unnecessary. I welcomed myself home, I reunited with myself, I found the mirror, and I learned to love myself. And now I feel so much love in me that I just have to share it to the world! ♥

PS Just a little trivia, it is also Oprah's favorite poem.

Three months na lang!

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 13:44:21 GMT

Parang kelan lang. Naaalala ko pa noong second year pa lang kami ng mga blockmates ko. Habang nagpapalipas oras sa may School of Econ, pinag-usapan namin kung sino sa mga Goin' Bulilit kids ang magiging bold stars paglaki nila. Sabi kasi ni Alvin, yung iba daw kasi nagkaka-boobs na. Hahaha. Tapos ngayon, halos lahat ng Goin Bulilit kids na pinag-usapan namin noon, grumaduate na.

Nakakatawa lang isipin. In three months time, ga-graduate na din kami (Hopefully. *crosses fingers*). Saan kaya ako pupulutin nito? Sa showbiz kaya? Hahaha. Joke lang. At least malayong maging bold star din ako noh! Maraming taba ang kailangan planchahin. And for that, after ng holiday fiesta, magda-diet na lang muna ako. Para after three months, hindi naman ako magmumukhang balyena sa Grad Ball namin.

And speaking of Grad Ball, kailangan ko nang ayusin ang buhay ko. Balik trabaho na. Graduation Committee, TMS, seniors, goodluck sa ating lahat. Three months na lang. Let's keep the spirit up! Fight! Aja aja! Aiyaaa!

Because I believe the stars aren't just there to burn.

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 06:43:00 GMT

Pisces Year 2008 Overview

Pisces thrives through creative transportation and unique social experiences. There will be changes in the way you develop your inner-self, this year. Your ability to multitask will continue, as you become involved in more humanitarian projects. You have tremendous vitality and courage, and a healthy sense of who you are. You usually put your best foot forward, and are possessed by an innate charm and magnetism. You love being physically active, usually with others. You learn to take more responsibility by being diplomatic and tactful.

Your capacity for childlike wonder is a wonderful creative outlet. Sometimes, you may feel an unconscious pull toward an objective or goal that you do not fully understand. You also may be tempted to participate in many activities just to be involved for the social aspects of being around fun-loving people. Your task is to attempt to make conscious choices in these areas, and to become more aware of your true objectives based on your own values and goals, independent from the approval of others. Find happiness by connecting with your higher self, and by helping people to move closer together.

Snake Outlook for 2008

Snake Overview

This year promises to be a vast improvement over the last one. You are likely, for example, to experience exciting mental stimulation. If you use your brains you can produce some very good results in most areas of your life. Almost every month will provide opportunities, although you might want to take it easy right after the Chinese New Year. Next year should be even better, so you should take time to make plans and begin projects to be completed then.

Snake Rating

69% (10 favorable, 1 neutral and 1 unfavorable month)

Snake Career

The fast paced energy given off by the year of the Rat creates a dynamic career environment for the Snake. This spark of energy could inspire the Snake with new and creative ideas resulting in many opportunities. However, in order to take advantage of such opportunities, you may have to take some quick and decisive action. If you are bored with your present work situation, this is a good time to seek greener pastures.

Snake Relationships

The good vibrations that the year of the Rat gave off to your career sector should overflow into your relationships. Your most memorable moments this year will be the intimate ones shared with family and friends. An active social life should be fueled by the almost endless energy of the fast-talking and highly social Rat year. Single Snakes have a wonderful chance to find love and romance, or maybe just one great fling.

Snake Health

All the energy spent in your career and relationships could have a negative impact on your health. Your best bet to stay healthy could be to get in plenty of exercise and engage in some of your favorite leisure activities. You may also be able to further reduce your stress levels and increase your health levels if you are a little bit less secretative with your family members and friends.

Snake Wealth

Your finances seem to be on track to make some healthy improvements. If you have suffered some financial setbacks, you may be able to make a monetary comeback of sorts in the year of the ever-resourceful Rat. Attempt to steer well clear of expensive purchases, especially impulse buys. You will most likely suffer from buyers remorse right after making a large purchase. Under the Earth element, conservative investments may show some profits.

Benrik Task 1: Create a new New Year Resolution.

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 17:33:31 GMT

Since Belle De Jour is bulky (and I wasn't exactly happy with my BDJ 2008 planner) and since Rayka already bought a Design Your Life Planner, I bought a Benrik This Diary Will Change Your Life Planner 2009 for me instead. It has weekly tasks which are outrageously and sometimes ridiculously funny designed to, err, change the owner's life - I wonder how that will happen when we're talking about MY life - and the first task is to make a New Year Resolution that no one in history has ever made before. Well, I tried. Several times. Here goes my list.

1. Keep your body moving until it's time to sleep to avoid procrastination. (Note: Clicking the mouse doesn't count.)
2. Always be OC because your messed up life needs it.
3. Try to be more jologs, which means watch more boob tube, to be able to relate to friends talking about Eva Fondler.
4. Since we're talking TV, try watching more (bad) news as well.
5. Lower down Ipod volume in public places to avoid getting hit by a car when crossing the street.
6. Stop worrying about your non-existent lovelife until poverty in the Philippines has been eliminated.
7. Write, write, write more, and never be ashamed of what you write. But please be less emo.
8. Camwhore less. Learn real photography.
9. Never leave the mirror until you think you're pretty enough.
10. Oversleep on weekends. That's an order.
11. Pick the vegetable over the meat when you have the choice.
12. Allot money for travel, and do travel, in and out of the country. Or else cut off your own feet by 2010.
13. Appreciate polished nails. It's about time you learn art.
14. Refrain from laughing at other people's wrong grammar. Bahaha.
15. Be less judgmental of people who type LiKe ThIs!!!
16. After March 27, never ask for money from your parents, EVER AGAIN. (T_T)
17. Read one book minimum every month. Feed you mind.

Uhm, what else do you suggest I need? Hahaha. Oh well, 2008 wasn't my best year, but it definitely made me stronger, so 2009, bring it on! Aiyaaa! Fight!

This morning I dreamt I was put in a ghetto.

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 05:07:59 GMT

The ghetto was a mall - I know because I saw plates and glasses on display. Later I was transferred to a school where everyone wore orange striped t-shirts and black pants. I kept trying to find my parents and my brother, but I couldn't, and all I saw was a friend of mine who had always been there for me. I was so worried my brother would defy the authorities and find trouble. I wanted to make sure he was alright. Of course, in the ghetto, there were rules. The letter 'R' was forbidden to be used or said, Hitler said. People who had Rs in their names, like Sa-r-ah, were scared to death by the military. You're next, you're next, they said. All the girls were also ordered to make a cheering squad. We wore black uniforms and used black pompoms, and the last I remember about my dream was the cheering practice on the school parking lot. I wasn't taking part in it. I was glad I woke up before they decided to kill me.

Dream Dictionary Meaning: Ghetto

Term	Meaning

ghetto	An actual area or state of mind relating to : Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or other type of poverty Perceived undesirability Perceived scarcity, doing without, or basis subsistence Another characteristic you associate with this type of area